A while ago a long-term relationship came to an end and with it nearly me; well, I am still here… with some thoughts, musings, reflections on what I refer to as the “dark place” or “my crash”.
First and foremost, I would not be here without the help and support of some amazing people, many of whom still support me on a daily basis, Some of these awesome people I met through social media, others started shining in real life, others again have been there for a lifetime; my gratefulness knows no bounds with these amazing friends.
Slowly the relationship was coming to an end. I did not see it coming, in self-denial. Well, maybe, actually I knew it was over but did not want to see it. I would spend weekends on my own while my partner went to visit “friends”, she needed space and had mental health issues that needed resolving. One weekend, while in London, I nearly… yes, while walking across a bridge over the Thames; for about 10 seconds I considered that option, then realised that there were people in my life that I would hurt beyond end, I turned around and walked away, nobody was worth that price. Later that day I got a message form the particular person I was thinking of, “Mach kein Scheiss” it said, essentially “don’t think about it”. It was time to turn things around… that was about 18 months ago.
I flew back home, to Africa, Namibia and spent a few weeks with U&L, Mr Knaaters and Hope. My head was a mess, I would say to people it was “screaming” (my kop raas, in Afrikaans) and they would allow me to go hide in a corner. I hardly slept, often only 3 hours even with medication, and yet I had a great comfort… that as Mr Knaaters the cat, who would spend every night with me, cuddled up close. In the morning we would get up, make a coffee and go sit outside on the porch, watching the sun come up. Then we would go for a short walk and we would go our separate way for the rest of the day, meeting up again at the end of the day. Then there was Hope, a wild bird that would come to roost in the lounge every night; me and Hope would chat, one day it came and sat on my laptop, chattered away and left, angry, just like me. Not to forget U&L, amazing humans who tolerated my grumpiness and started the turn-around.
I came back “home” to a cold house; that was difficult, a threshold I needed to cross. Every day I would get messages of encouragement from friends, several of them new in my life and still present, though some I have never actually met in real life. Strange, the way life unfolds. Anyway, I went for counselling, the type where you chat, it did not work for me. Time for therapy, CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy; I had small tasks to complete after each session. Small tasks, such as cooking a meal, cleaning the house (in small bursts), mixing with people. I had developed anxiety disorder, I feared being amongst people. One day I nearly ran out of a train in a panic, I would go shopping in absolute fear, I had not been in town for 3 months; all these issues had to be addressed and slowly they were. I still get anxiety attacks, every day, the “cold feet”, most days I can deal with them.. breathe.
I was going to write about people and how they dealt with me… humans disappoint, as a whole, let’s leave that be.
I am still “work in progress”, every day is a step in the right direction. I am relieved that that I did not fall into drugs, alcohol or long-term depression; the light at the end of the tunnel is no longer a train
Soon I will no longer be a shadow, I will be myself.
Thanks for reading